Every since going off of xanax and dealing with sensory overload I’ve lost touch with myself. I think that’s partially a good thing because it has enabled me to start anew. But I cannot seem to create the way I used to. Words were always something I could count on… something so familiar and comforting in them. Now I struggle to find them. Not only on paper but in day to day dialogue as well. I have moments when they come rushing in so fast I cannot catch them. By the time I attempt to write or type them they’ve disappeared just as quickly as they appeared.
It seems most everything about myself is unfamiliar. I never realized how much I depended on my looks until I lost them. I don’t mean that in an egotistical way. In fact, when I was younger the unsolicited attention I received made me feel like a circus freak. I guess I didn’t realize how truly self absorbed I was. I know there are those who think I am still self absorbed due to my aloofness and unwillingness to “buy” into the drama of others. In reality I’m in self preservation mode. Trying to focus on bettering myself and helping those around me find comfort.
Life never really had any shape but I always felt there was meaning until words escaped me.
